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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Sorry not sorry.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.