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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?


Like Mom always said,

“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”


Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention


Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”


me: i’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]


I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.


Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.


Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.