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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?


I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.


*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kaz474″;s:5:”image”;s:90:””;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”258757088577191937″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”61″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Some people seem to take the question “how stupid can you be?” as a personal challenge.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me


@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.


[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin