What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You Might Also Like
Like Mom always said,
“Don’t kick a gift horse in the teeth.”
Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention
“Fiona, You up?”
Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”
me: i’m terrified of random letters
therapist: you are?
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.