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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}