🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
2022 will be better than 2021
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.