🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas


I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.


People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is


I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?


Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.


I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.


[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very


If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?


Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony