🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

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[first date]

Her: I absolutely love animals

Me: me too, they’re delicious


Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
A life.

Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!


Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


*knocks on donation door

Me: I have a donation
Salvation Army: Ma’am, once again… you cannot donate your man
Me: You have stupid rules!


The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.


Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”