🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
No, I don’t think I will.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.