Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.