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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.