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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, Iām over here
I got a Fatherās Day card from my son that says āYouāre one of my favourite parentsā so yeah, Iām really nailing this dad thing.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a barā¦
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because itāll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. Theyāll be crying, āher hair was on point šššā āof course she got a Dr Pepper š classic Summerā
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: Itād be great to make decent money doing something Iām proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Lasagna asks the question, āwhat if pasta were a bookā
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I donāt think any of them are good enough.
Oh, you lost your phone and itās on silent? Thatās too bad. If you liked it then you shouldāve put a ring on it.
Iām never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
director: ok. itās ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My aunt: [to my kid] Youāve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: donāt say it, donāt say it, donāt say itā¦
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know itās working.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: whyās the heat on with the lid off
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasnāt working. You donāt live here anymore. Thatās why.
Was glad my kids didnāt scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times Iāve killed on stage.
Guy: I donāt see any teardrop tattoos.
I canāt make everyone happy, Iām not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, Iām sneaking in at least one hug.
He: āDarling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?ā
She: āGnocchi dokey.ā
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesnāt make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: Itās a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Her: Iām leaving you
Me: Is it because Iām obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: Itās because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidonās milk?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* āHi!āWe need to move