Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’