¯_(ツ)_/¯
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white