ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…