I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch