No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Guy who likes music
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.