”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!