I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.