Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You Might Also Like
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?