gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
monday
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.