closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.