– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Never let them know your next move 😂
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.