┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.