Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose