♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does