Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”