♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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How it started How it’s going
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.