♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
what it’s like dating me:
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.