♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?