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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk