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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset