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When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy