FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
shut up and take my money
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-