British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me in tagged photos
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up