🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.