🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Oh hi lol
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.