🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!