I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.