🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby