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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Hot hot hot 🥵