🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
You Might Also Like
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.