馃幎 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
everyone has that one prude friend
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
It鈥檚 sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin