I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.