🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.