According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.