Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
You Might Also Like
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Livid.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out