🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You Might Also Like
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts