🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*lint rolls you awake*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.