馃幎Where did you come from?
Where did you go?馃幎Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Need WebMD
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can鈥檛 be friends.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
He didn鈥檛 know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.