The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
step 6: release the wall snake
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.