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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Donât be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry howâs this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
This kinda thing happens to me often
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, âLife isnât always pickles and peaches,â like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, letâs just play and Iâll explain as we go.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: âŚnever mind.
I donât know what sheâs up to, but I donât like it.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s notâ
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why donâ
5yo: Iâm going to marry the tv
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesnât say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Wife: Youâre really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
He just like my cat fr
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Iâve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like itâs all just insane people looking out their window and then writing âsuspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobbyâ
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’