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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are